This has been a crazy last couple of days.
As most of you probably know, the past handful of days made up the Jewish holy days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, the most important period of the year in the faith. The Days of Awe focus on taking an inventory of the past year, righting your wrongs and wiping the slate clean again before the Jewish New Year (Yom Kippur).
I won't try to get too deep here because my mind is still adjusting to the 24-hour fast I just completed (part of the Yom Kippur tradition).
I don't find this holiday particularly moving to be honest, but I think that's because it is SO HARD for me to slow down and reflect upon life. Ryan, however, takes it more seriously than one might expect. Last night before Kol Nidre services he listed all of his actions that harmed me in the last year -- from the minute to the large. I could tell by his demeanor that he had been thinking about this all day and that his misdeeds really weighed on him heavily.
It's interesting that this holiday corresponded to a wedding task that is also kind of like taking an inventory -- the wedding guest list. As I thought of people I needed to forgive or apologize to, it was easy for me to see a pattern. I don't have lots of friends. This doesn't really bother me, but I realized the minute someone hurt me in a devastating way, the friendship usually goes like this: First, I tell him or her that they hurt me deeply. Second, they (usually) apologize. Third, I never speak to them again. Even if I'm the one doing the hurting, usually I am so mortified that I retreat until the other person seeks to repair the friendship first. My good friends who I have hurt have always come to me and worked it out. The so-so ones end up by the wayside.
Is this healthy? Maybe not. But it works for me and has kept me a short list of friends I always know I can rely on. Sure, it would be nice if I had a lengthy list of friends that meet my criteria, but I (probably unfortunately) have high standards and would rather invest 100 percent of my energy in a few really good friendships then spread that energy around to many people. But that's just me.
Anyway, to bring this full circle, this holiday has made me realize that maybe I should have sought to maintain those lost friendships more. I honestly don't have any regrets, but I'll never know what might have been.
Tonight I am at an almost-friend's house. I say almost-friend because she is a girl I've "known" for years. We worked together briefly in Kansas City, and she was nice enough to let me crash at her apartment before a wedding-related appointment tomorrow when a friend got sick and I couldn't stay with her. We're on our way to being more than friendly ex-co-workers, but not quite. I won't explicate that here.
But I just want to say I love LOVE love her apartment. She lives in a loft in the River Market, and it's so eclectic. It's the style I want to have but I'm too scared to try. Nothing matches, but everything does. She manages to make a stack of books, a shelf of soup and a cart of shoes look chic. I love this style, but am intimidated by the artistry of it. Instead, if it doesn't match, it gets hidden away in those stupid leather boxes everyone buys at BBB for their coffee tables. You know what I'm talking about...