Saturday, May 12, 2007

It's been awhile.

Sorry.

I've been busy with the most mundane things: cleaning, caretaking, working, exercising, cooking, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.

The problem? I still haven't met with the rabbi. I feel like my religious journey is stunted. Yes, Ryan and I have continued our weekly Shabbat readings. We (I) even read aloud our way to Kansas City last weekend.

And I've read about wonderful things: prayer, Jews views of Jesus and other religions and good deeds. But I haven't been able to muster a sentence about it because I haven't had much give and take.

The rabbi says we'll be starting a group class as soon as school is over. And because graduation was today, I'm hoping I hear from him soon.

One thing I've been thinking about lately is prayer. And how I don't do it. The only time I have no thoughts in my head is when I'm in the bathroom, and I somehow don't think that's the right time to strike up a conversation with G_d. Not that I haven't before. (Sorry for the image.)

I'm curious what other people do to clear their heads before prayer? Do you set a timer? Meditate? Listen to music? Or are you all so calm that you can do it easily?

I'm also curious about those people who aren't so religious. I wonder -- is prayer one of those things you just hold onto? A habit when you've foresaken all other modes of spirituality? Or is it the first thing to go?

I think my lack of prayer has something to do with my openness with people. Granted, I don't tell one person every single thing. But if there's something I can't tell Ryan, I can usually tell it to a friend and vice versa. Or my mom. Or my sister. Or a coworker (poor things).

Plus, I'm pretty in tune with reality. I don't ask G_d for things, and I don't think to thank G_d when things go my way. In fact, I don't even think about being thankful for the good things, which I guess tells a sad story about me. For example, when my grandpa is sick, I don't think to prayer for his wellness. I just hope he gets better and hope I can handle it if he doesn't. Maybe that's a form of prayer? When Ryan and I won a journalism award, it didn't occur to me that I needed to thank anyone but my boss for entering me us in the contest.

So is it that I just don't need prayer? Have I conditioned myself against it? How can I change that? Is it OK not to?

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